Oh God, don't get me started about the frogs. I hate them, in fact that doesn't begin to describe the deep loathing I have for them. Nobody French has ever done anything to me but for as long as I can remember I have wanted them wiped from the face of the earth. If anyone could put me in touch with Osama Bin Laden or Saddam, I have a good suggestion for him. If he plants a bomb under the Eiffel tower he could A) kill lots of frogs and B) win the X prize for the first man made rocket in space.......but mainly A)

HERE ARE SOME FRANCE FACTS TO HELP YOU DEVELOP A HEALTHY DISLIKE OF OUR FILTHY NEIGHBOURS

1. French people are from France.

2. Every French person in history has been incredibly rude to someone.

3. French children are born with hairy armpits and 1 in 3 also has a cigarette.

4. Every person in France has wild extremist political views.

5. There is nothing a French farmer likes more than a good strike except perhaps burning a truck full of British lamb. I assume because our lamb is better.

6. French foreign policy is dedicated to the destruction of the atolls of the south pacific. These uninhabited islands represent a difficult challenge for the French Navy. LOOK

7. The French navy has never won a battle against the British

8. Napoleon Bonaparte was probably the best French general of all time, but he got his arse kicked big time by Lord Horatio Nelson at Trafalgar in 1805. LOOK

9. Nowadays the French fishing fleet is more effective than the navy, at the first hint of trouble they will barricade ports with more success than Napoleon in the Nile. LOOK

10. France's greatest ever naval victory came in 1985 when they sunk the unarmed protest ship "Greenpeace Warrior" which was docked in Auckland, New Zealand at the time. LOOK

11. The French have less baths per year than any other European country and probably less than Ethiopians too.

12. French people eat frogs. Dirty disgusting green smiley frogs that eat fly's and worms.

13. If you ask Fred the COM* his opinion of the French he will tell you that they are a "Gang of Shithouses" well said Fred!

14. French people talk French, possibly the most stupid backward language in the history of civilisation. When I was forced to sit through French lessons with Mr Blackledge in school, going on about fucking Orangina and the fucking SNCF he still couldn't tell me why my desk and the window were female. Prick.

15. Orangina is just Fanta that the lazy French workers cannot be bothered to sieve to get the little bits out.

16. French people eat snails. They call them l'escargot. This shows their stupidity because l'escargot was a fucking racehorse.

17. French people also eat horses, but these are not called l'escargot, that was Shergar!

18. I saw a really funny comedy programme on Sky News the other year, A concorde full of Germans (not to keen on them either!) took off from Paris and crashed a minute later. The tragic twist in the tail was that it narrowly missed a hotel full of more French. Oh well still funny.

19. If French food is so good why is that Frenchman always on the Guinness book of records eating light bulbs and cars?

20. The French are a very superstitious race and it is considered very bad luck to wash.

21. France used to have a foreign minister called Roland "Dumas" well he was dumb enough to get caught up on corruption charges.

22. When a French man needs to change a light bulb he just grabs hold of the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.

23. Why is everyone so surprised about France refusing to join the war in Iraq? The shithouses have a track record a mile long of running in the opposite direction.

24. I am no longer made to choose between liking ice cream and hating France. Thanks to this fabulous company I can indulge my 2 greatest passions at once.

25. Noted literary figure Mark Twain wrote in an 1879 journal that "There is nothing lower than the human race except the French." He later starred in a particularly good episode of Star Trek The next Generation.

26. He clearly wasn't very keen on them as he went on to say "France is miserable because it is filled with Frenchmen, and Frenchmen are miserable because they live in France." - Mark Twain

27. Another of my favourite quotes is from Jacques Chirac, President of France "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" Obviously he has been reading his history books.

28. Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.

29. Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back.

30. This is Marcel Marceau. He is responsible for "Mime" possible the stupidest and least entertaining thing in history.

31. Oh my god! What French Idiot thought that this was a good idea?

32. These are the only type of frogs I like. Thanks to Christian and John for the pic

33. The 2012 Olympics will be held in London, England.

 

WORK IN DEVELOPMENT. PLEASE MAIL YOUR FRANCE FACTS BIGPUN@BLUEYONDER.CO.UK

HATE MAIL GUIDELINES:

If anyone takes offence to this page and wants to send me some hate mail, please follow the following guidelines;

1: Ensure that you are French. You can do this by checking the colour of your socks (if male) as you all wear white socks or (if female) check for excessive armpit hair.

2: Do not send hate mail in FRENCH. (I really can't be bothered reading through some rambling missive with lots of apostrophes and ending with 'J'attend avec impatience de tes nouvelles'.)

3: Do not send hate mail 'explaining' France, the French, or any aspects of Frenchness. I'm not interested. If you follow all the above guidelines, then you may send me some hate mail from your stupid 'point fr.' email address, and I shall dutifully publish them under the heading; '3001 more reasons why I hate the French'.