There comes a point eventually in every mans life when he realises that his best years are are behind him, he cant get around quite as quickly as before, starts to look at cardigans and think they are a good idea, in fact he will suddenly realise, that he is old.

However the point at which he noticed and that everyone else noticed can be two very different things.
Crazy Old Men, or COM's for short come in all ages. Being a COM has much more to do with lifestyle choices that actual age or physical attributes. It can strike at any time and tends to be a very sudden onset rather than a slow decline into Comism*.

Take this short test to see if you are a COM. 1 point for each "YES"

1. Do you like bourbon biscuits? (2 points for this one.)

2. Do you have wild frizzy hair? No, really. Best to get a second opinion on this because you will think it looks fine.

3. Do you have the ability to appear not to hear a conversation happening in the same room and then suddenly repeat something funny that was said a few minutes ago?

4. Do you believe that whilst dancing in strobe light that you should move and stop between each flash? Even if the strobe is set to nine flashes per second.

5. Get into arguments about the most ridiculous things as often as possible and regardless of your knowledge of the subject speak as if you are a recognised authority and refuse to accept that you are incorrect, ever.

6. Do you believe that music today is awful? In fact the last decent record in the charts was Orinoco Flow by Enya and Frankie Goes To Hollywood were the last decent band.

7. Again on music. Do you drone on endlessly that Hendrix and Blackmore are the greatest guitarists ever, despite never listening to anyone else.

8. Contentedly sit silently until someone begins a phone conversation and then talk at them non-stop until the phone call ends.

HOW DID YOU DO?

1 or 2 Probably just a coincidence, but be careful to avoid the other traits.

3 to 5 There is hope. Dangerously close to the point of no return although you can still save yourself.

6 to 8 You are a COM! There is no way back, just accept that you are never going to be cool again and go shopping for a cardigan.

9. Hi Dad. You are KING COM!

THERE IS ONE MORE IMPORTANT OBSERVATION. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO KFC? HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THE DISPROPORTIONATELY LARGE NUMBER OF OLD PEOPLE?
I HAVE A THEORY. IT IS MY BELIEF THAT MY DAD AND COLONEL SANDERS ARE USING THIS CHAIN OF FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS, ALREADY POPULAR WITH THE ELDERLY, TO SPREAD THE WORD OF COMISM. IF YOU SCORED MORE THAN 4 ON THE TEST I SUGGEST THAT YOU AVOID KFC JUST IN CASE. AFTER ALL WHAT DOES KFC STAND FOR?

Here are some COM's see if you recognise any of the signs:

This is my dad, he is the original COM and despite being just 50 he has been a COM for as long as anyone can remember. Check out how high up his pants are, a sure sign of COMism. Nice blue cardigan dad.

This is Fred, He is a hero of mine. In his 80's, Veteran of the Atlantic fleet in WW2, Survivor of Cancer (he has one lung), Survivor of a recent hit and run and he still has the energy to get up at 5am and come fishing on a boat for 12 hours. I hope I have his zest for life when I'm his age.

Here are a few of the COM's that drink in the Clubmoor, my local pub. They insist on sitting in the corner so their crutches don't fall over. Also notice how they tuck the curtains up to avoid drafts. Classic COM behaviour.

This is Les. He is a neighbour and a friend. He comes to Bobland almost every day to watch football. Also, as well as being a COM he is the fountain of all knowledge when it comes to women. His wife of 134 years, Marge, is a COW* (crazy old woman) but he has total COMtrol.....except when Comonation Street is on.